America: Love it or Leave it!

I love that phrase.  And not for the right reasons.  While I like to think that I’m a patriot, or at least not a domestic terrorist, the line is simply ridiculous.  As fate loves to put me in creative situations (read: random happenstances in which my creativity is invoked during periods when I obviously have something to do), I received a sheet of paper from a TA with a list of logical fallacies.  It’s a fairly standard list containing the same fallacies I was taught in high school, but it had examples that were fun to giggle at.  And, to my glee, it included the line above.  According to the sheet, this is an example of false dilemma, notably the limiting of an issue to two solutions when more exist.  But you know what?  I believe in transparency.  And, as an American, I enjoy options.  So, I present the following to be read in this form: (issue:solution)

Issue: America

Solutions:

  • Love it.
  • Leave it.
  • Ignore it.
  • Have mild qualms about it.
  • Think about it constantly.
  • Think about it inconsistently.
  • Have mixed feelings about it.
  • Feel the need to force your opinion of it onto others.
  • Paint a picture of it.
  • Hate it.
  • Drive across it.
  • Eat on it.
  • Fly to it.
  • Eat in it.
  • Eat away from it.
  • Dirty it.
  • Fly away from it.
  • Clean it.
  • Confuse it.
  • Lie to it.
  • Fly over it.
  • Swim to it.
  • Die in it.
  • Kill for it.
  • Practice medicine in it.
  • Suffer a malpractice suit in it because you’re not actually a surgeon.
  • Wear a suit in it.
  • Lose your coat in it.
  • Export a stolen car from it.
  • Go to jail for ten years after being convicted of GTA in it.
  • Experience it’s prison system.
  • Launder money though it.
  • Make billions and pay taxes in it.
  • Forget that you live in it until the IRS audits you.
  • Attempt to live off-the-grid and realize it’s impossible within it.
  • Invent a weapon that you can mass-market to its citizens.
  • Take pride in knowing that, despite the global opinion of being an evil glutton, everybody wants to be like you.
  • Take a history course on it.
  • Realize that during WWII, it also had internment camps.
  • Remember that it once segregated people by the amount of melanin their body produced.
  • Accept that it has done grotesque things to the English language.
  • Wonder why it measures things by the pound, foot, and liquid ounce.
  • Read a book in it.
  • Fly its flag.
  • Burn its flag.
  • Fly its burning flag.
  • Pretend it’s Canada.
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