(The feel-good message on a disposable Starbucks cup:)

Everything we do, you do.  You stop by for a coffee.  And just by doing that, you let Starbucks buy more coffee from farmers who are good to their workers, community and planet.  By buying your daily grande-half-caff-Tasmanian-soy-chai-fair-trade-I’ve-singlehandedly-funded-a-third-world-country latte, you allow us to continue making up words that make us look European.  You allow us to convince the public that a caffeinated milk shake is an acceptable form of coffee.  You allow us to establish a cannibalistic location, approximately forty feet from the last one.  (Yes, you are making it possible to buy a latte, walk out the door, take four sips, throw it away, and immediately purchase the same latte from a different Starbucks.)  You let us charge you five dollars for a drink that allows us to continue our cannibalistic business model.  You let us put a Starbucks in the Forbidden City.  (Our coffee is so good, it got through the Great Wall of cultural isolationism.)  By buying our coffee, you made Seattle the mecca of coffee.  So toss this coffee cup over your shoulder, pat yourself on the back, and walk into another Starbucks.

You’re truly an American hero.

(…slightly reworded)

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