It’s not magic, but it’s close enough

A long, long time ago, I cared about making sense.  My arguments were well supported, rhetoric never off.  I held my points with reason and my logic was understood by my intellectual peers.  These were glorious times.  Then I went outside.  And now, I will be unable to make another useful or thought-provoking point until I say the following:

I.  Hate.  Wind.

No, seriously, that’s what this is about.  I bloody hate the wind. 

One, where the hell does it come from?  I already know what you’re thinking:  “Tom, why even write this?  God invented Wikipedia for a reason.”  No.  Just no.  I shouldn’t have to research the cause of wind and discover that it falls somewhere between heat differentials and the Earth’s rotation.  I understood the rain cycle in third grade.  I knew how the sun worked in middle school.  I understand particle physics more than this singular aspect of meteorology. 

It comes down to this scene:  I’m standing outside.  The sky is clear and the world is peaceful.  Then it strikes.  The trees begin to sway.  My sense of direction is lost.  Dirt and debris is blasted into the air and it fills my eyes.  I am left dazed and confused, entrapped in a swirling vortex of nefarious forces. 

Which brings me to my second point, it makes everything worse.  It makes cold days colder.  It makes hot days drier.  It made Al Gore think he had a good idea.  I’m just kidding, it would take a few posts for me to adequately destroy wind-farming, so I’ll just leave it there. 

Still, I’m walking from the library to my dorm.  The weather is pleasant, likely somewhere in the low-forties.  And then it strikes.  A gust whips my coat back and I’m suddenly freezing.  My eyes are dry and my face feels whipped.  My hair looks awesome, but the rest of me is fairly miserable. 

My third and final point is that the wind is vindictive.  And this is the point where you go, “Okay, Tom’s lost it.  This was interesting while it lasted.”  But if you dwell on it, you’ll begin to realize my point.  The wind naturally kills you when the situation doesn’t call for it.  However, when the situation does call for wind, it either does not work, or it works against you. 

Think about wind farms.  Whenever I drive east through California, I drive past huge wind farms and always notice that a good portion of them aren’t moving.  I know that there’s wind because of the dust tornadoes outside, but the windmills are still. 

Or perhaps you want to think about kites.  I don’t know about you in particular, (Yes, I’m talking about you.  No, not you, the one with the- yes.) but every time I’ve tried to fly a kite, it had ended in a Charlie Brown-esque disaster.  It usually begins with me being unable to achieve lift for a good fifteen minutes.  Then, once my little aircraft has taken to the skies, I gleefully run around for about five minutes before the wind shifts direction, driving my kite out of the sky and into a group of picnickers with the force of an intercontinental ballistic missile. 

Altogether, wind is evil.  It’s invisible, lacking a creator, and working to make my life miserable.  It may not be dark magic, but it’s close enough to warrant a hate paralleled only by the people of Salem, Massachusetts with regards to Wiccans.

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