Healthy Living: The atbreaksix Way

Welcome back to atbreaksix.  Today we’re gonna be talking about living healthy.  You know, good food, exercise, and obscene amounts of candy.  That’s right, OBSCENE. 

I should preface this by saying that I don’t live healthy.  For the most part, I don’t know what the word “healthy” means.  I do, however, know that it sells an egregious amount of worthless books and magazines.  (Next post: Rant on self-help books)  So now I’m going to use that buzzword to sell atbreaksix.  I’m just going to do so wrongly. 


My diet consists of the following: A subway sandwich (usually a six-inch chicken breast on wheat) and/or a Philly Cheesesteak with Fries.  Everyday, six days a week.  In addition to those entrees, I will also consume several handfuls of candy (chocolate, malted milk balls, marshmallows, tootsie rolls, good and plenty, etc.), along with crackers, rice cakes, and whatever else I’m interested in.  candywarehouse_2144_854696472

Example:  I purchased a 2.5 pound bag of malted milk balls marketed for Easter, Robin Eggs, on Wednesday.  (In my defence, I purchased the bag out of frugality.  Normally ten dollars, it was on sale for less than four.)  That bag currently has about 1/3 of the candy remaining.  Ergo, I’ve consumed 28 ounces of candy-coated malted milk balls in three days. 



I’d like to think that, at least in this aspect, I am… proactive.  Inertia, by the Bill Nye: The Science Guy theme song, is a property of matter.  At this very least, this holds true for my matter.  All 10 stone of it.  (Yeah, I did that just to mess with you.  Yes, YOU.)  As it is, I spend my days in a chair, or in bed.  Mostly in my bed, well, on my bed.  I don’t actually sleep that much, but I despise sitting at my desk for extended amounts of time, so most of it is spent on my side.  So, I know that moving sucks.

However, (pause for emphasis) I do force myself to exercise from time to time.  What do I mean by exercise?  I mean rolling out of bed, falling two feet to the floor (yes, I meant “rolling” literally), and doing some push-ups followed by crunches.  In addition to that routine, now that the ice outside my room has melted, I go for a half-hour run every other day or so.


Now, I know that by saying this, I’ve just alienated half of my audience.  And Ed.  But I ask that you give me a few lines to explain why my exercising is not me selling out to the health movement. 

First, for the better part of my life, I was both short (painfully, painfully short) and rotund.  When I was five inches shorter than my current state, I was also twenty pounds heavier, it was depressing.  So I started jogging and tried to limit my intake of garbage.  (Which isn’t entirely true as all of the Leftovers can attest to the fact that I ate a personal pizza every lunch of my senior year.)  Really, it’s more about justifying the garbage you’re eating based off your rudimentary knowledge of nutrition.  (Chocolate = Dairy + antioxidants) 

Second, I have an enormous ego.  My ego is so large, that despite being an incorporeal entity, it still has gravity.  (It’s the only reason I have friends.  They’re physically drawn in.)  And to support this ego, I need to limit the number of detracting qualities.  To put it better, I need to make myself look better than a growing number of people.

Which brings me to the third reason, and the final bit of this post.  Because I’m better than you.  You know it, that’s why you’re reading this instead of writing it.  I’m winning.  I’m tired of pretending I’m not special.  I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total freaking rock star from Mars. 

Yeah, that took on a different ending joke than I’d originally expected.  I’ve just recently come to really like Charlie Sheen because I heard that he endorses winning.  And I, being the god of win, endorse his endorsement.  So stay tuned for future posts, but in the meantime, go outside and start winning.

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