Sucker Punch(ed)

Preface: I went and saw Sucker Punch this afternoon.  After returning to my dorm, I wanted to write something about it.  I originally wrote this elsewhere because I didn’t think it was fit for atbreaksix, but after seeing how much I’d written, I decided to post it.

Sucker_Punch_poster

I really, really wanted to enjoy this movie.  I’m not kidding, I really did.  The commercials looked incredible.  I thought ‘OH MY GAWD! Scantily clad girls with weapons in a fantasy Matrix!  This is gonna be epic!’  How could anything go wrong?

Well…

This movie was two hours of sitting back in my seat, cocking my head to the side, and wondering if the actresses were laughing at the idea of people watching this film.  In the worst way, it brought back memories of Avatar: The Last Airbender.  (I think we all hate that movie…)  Actually, it seemed like main difference between the two (discounting premise) was that people actually died and cursed in this film. 

But what was the real problem?  Problems?  Disasters? (Warning, spoilers follow.  However, I recommend reading them as they’ll likely persuade you to save $12)

1.  I did not care about a single character.  No, that’s not true.  I liked the old guy who kept giving advice prior to the fantasy adventures.  And the only reason I liked his character was because the didn’t annoy me as the others did.  As it was, there was somewhere between little and no back-story or character development for the overwhelming majority of the cast.  So, in the scenes where characters show some sort of emotion, it’s completely out of context and you wonder why the movie took a faux-turn for the dramatic.

2.  The conclusion of the movie only goes on to affirm the thoughts you had ten minutes into the film that you have no idea of what’s going on. 

(Plot: Girl (Name=Babydoll, but I don’t really care) loses mother.  Stepfather tries to kill her and her sister to get money in mother’s will.  Succeeds in killing sister.  Girl attacks stepfather.  Stepfather has her thrown into mental asylum.  —MAJOR SHIFT IN PICTURE/STORY— Girl (original) is with a bunch of other girls in what seems like an Atlantic City-esque strip club/brothel.  And they’re all dancers.  And now Girl has to dance.  So zones out and enters the place where Black Mamba killed Lucy Liu and takes out three gigantic CGI man-beasts with a sword and a Desert Eagle.  When she comes to, she’s apparently performed an incredibly seductive dance and is now being applauded by everybody except for one girl who’s jealous or something.  Over the rest of the film, she performs this dance in which she zones out and imagines herself killing people while in the “real” world, everybody is entranced by her motions.  As she’s doing this, a ragtag group of other inmates are stealing tools to make their escape from the asylum.  By the end of the film, all of the teammates are dead save for Girl and the girl who hated her from the dance.  (Real original)  So they make their escape just getting to the exit before realizing that they’re trapped by a group of men.  So Girl sacrifices herself and jealous girl escapes.  —MOVIE SHIFTS BACK TO ORIGINAL VIEW OF REALITY—  And Girl is lobotomized.  Literally.  And jealous girl is on a bus, narrating some sort of message of…destiny?  I dunno.  Seriously though, watching Jon Hamm (Mad Men’s Don Draper) lobotomize your protagonist is kinda messed up.)

2 (the sequel). So at the end, you start thinking: ‘Okay, so none of the dancing was real.  That was probably just jealous girl’s projection of reality.  And within that we were able to see the fantasy murders… which was Girl’s projection’s of reality?  Or was it Girl’s reality within Girl’s reality within actual reality… DAMNIT WTF IS THIS?  INCEPTION?!?!?!

e.  (That should warn people to why this is upsetting to me)  This movie pushes physics and storytelling to the point where I was having a headache trying to rationalize why the special effects guys didn’t laugh at the writer (And WTF was the writer doing?  I bet it was a 12 year old boy who watched 16 hours of action/adventure films in one sitting and then started writing this “great idea” for a movie.  Then 10-15 years later, he had enough clout or dumb friends to get funding for it.).  It’s not Kill Bill.  It’s not Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.  It’s not The Matrix.  It’s like if you smashed them together… And then gave it crack.  It’s just…painful.

3.  This movie leaves me thinking that I witnessed the crackbaby of the Wachowskis, Michael Bay, Quentin Tarantino, and M. Night Shyamalan.  

That’s about it.  Sadly, this venting session has not left me feeling any better.  Maybe I should watch MacGruber again to put it in perspective…

—Follow-up:  According to wikipedia, I’m not the first person to compare this movie to The Last Airbender.  It can be found here.  I recommend clicking, the critic’s line is pretty funny.—

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